Have a Flavorful New Year

 As a 5 year old in the grimy Mumbai suburb of Malad, I’d go outside with my grandpa, pot in hand, to wait in the early mornings for the guy who’d come with his buffalo. The man would milk the buffalo right there on the street with the milk squirting into our pot. When the pot was full, my grandpa would let me pay the man with the money he’d put in my pocket.


We’d then take the brimming pot home, boil the milk on a coal-burning stove, skim off an inch of white butter, boil it again, skim off another inch of butter, then use the milk in our chai. Even after twice skimming the fat, the milk was still thick and rich. Any remaining milk would be fermented into yoghurt, for making cooling, delicious lassi or warm, soothing kadhi (a chickpea flour soup) the next day.


And the butter, sans any flavorings, was delicious on its own or on bread, or rolled up in an overnight roti. With no refrigerator, the butter had to be all eaten the same day, and I was happy to oblige. I can taste that ambrosia in my mouth even now, a taste so comforting and sumptuous, it felt like I was savoring all that is good in the world.


It’s occurred to me that life is like buffalo milk. In its rawness, banal. But properly treated, it is rich and variously delectable, and, has to be consumed before it expires. 


May your new year be as flavorful and bounteous as buffalo milk butter. 


Gaurang Thakkar 

December, 2021.

Merry Christmas from an atheist

 As an atheist who tries to adhere to the Religion of Kindness, I adore Christmas. 


Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ, who may, or may not, have existed. What matters to me is the message in The Gospels that depict his life and lessons. Christ’s life is a life of service to others, and his lessons are the lessons of kindness, tolerance, and forgiveness. These are qualities worth celebrating.


Merry Christmas.


Dec., 2021.

Light, Goodness, and Knowledge.

 The biggest festival among Hindus is called “Diwali.”

“Diwa” means “light” or “candlelight” of this sort: ðŸª” that is used in prayers and meditations.


That’s why it is accurately translated as the “Festival of Lights.”


It celebrates the victory of light over darkness, good over evil, and knowledge over ignorance. In these perilous times, that kind of Light is needed more than ever.


In the Hindu myth, Lord Rama is exiled to the jungle due to the machinations of a duplicitous stepmother. There, his loving and faithful wife, Sita is kidnapped by the evil Ravana who tries, unsuccessfully, to bend her to his evil ways till she is rescued by Rama with the help of his faithful monkey-god, Hanuman. Ravana is defeated, and the group return home triumphantly where Rama reclaims his rightful place as king, ushering in an era of peace, plenty and joy.


Diwali is the celebration of that return.


Happy Diwali, everyone.


Nov., 2021.

Memories

 Chahe Koi Mujhe...Yahoo...  Junglee 1961)


Television wasn’t introduced in Mumbai till the ‘70s. The main visual entertainments were street performers, cinemas, and plays. Popular films ran in the same cinema for years. One such film was Junglee (Wild Man). Kids in my neighborhood were singing the title song for months on end. I was five and begged my mom to take me to see this film. She eventually scraped together the money to take me. It was my first ever foray to a cinema. My next visit to a cinema was six years later, in Hong Kong, on a Sunday when you could get in before 11 A.M. for 70 cents. For that princely sum, we could only afford one ticket so my brother and I squeezed into one seat. Fortunately, we were both undernourished, so skinny enough to be able to sit comfortably on one cinema seat at Hoover Theater in Causeway Bay. I don’t remember what we watched, but I do remember Junglee, the title song, many of the scenes, and even some of the dialogue almost six decades on.


It’s true what they say: you never forget your first.

Have a Friendly New Year

The first half of my life was fairly lousy. I won’t bore with the details. But amidst the lousiness, there were bright spots: simple friendships, the joys of which I will take to my grave. And among those bright spots, the brightest of all: one friendship in particular.


His kindness, generosity of spirit, sympathetic ear, and good humor saw me through many a dark day. His family, too, embraced me as one of their own. I never lacked for love. 


On second thought, the first half of my life wasn’t so lousy after all!


I hope all of you have a friend like the one I am fortunate to have. If not, it’s never too late; I for one continue to make wonderful friends even now.


My New Year wish for all of you is an abundance of friendships, good and great.


Happy New Year.


Gaurang Thakkar

Dec, 2020/Jan, 2021

Wishes ARE fishes

There’s a little poem that says that if wishes were fishes we’d all have everything we wanted, but that wishes aren’t fishes; that if we want fish, we have to go out and catch the fish instead of just wishing.

But is there power in wishing something, not selfishly for ourselves, but for the benefit of others?

Life turns on a dime. For all I know, my well-being may be hanging by the thinnest of threads. Who knows where the strength of that thread comes from? I like to think that its strength comes from the well wishes bestowed on me by others. Religious people call this “the power of prayer.” So I take every good wish for me as a tangible gift that bolsters the thread that carries the weight of my wellbeing.

In that spirit, I send you my heartfelt good wishes for a peaceful, joyful, and healthy New Year.

And I am sincerely grateful for any good thoughts you may have about me.

Gaurang Thakkar
December, 2019

* If Wishes Were Fishes

** “Life turns on a dime” is a line from the Demi Moore film, Ghost.

President Donald Trump’s speech to the UN

I'm honored to be speaking at The Uhn. Boy, whatta crowd. Whatta diverse crowd. Suck it, CNN, who says colored folks don't come to my rallies.

I wanna welcome you all to my city, they love me here in New York. You won't hear it from the lame stream media but I won bigly here. They said I couldn't get to 270, but boy did I get to 270, and then some; I'm The President, can you believe it? 

Look, I'll be honest with you. The restaurant here is great, but it's a disgrace compared to the one at Mar-a-Lago; they don't even have chocolate cake. They have some gluten-free vegan shit. Next general assembly is gonna be at Mar-a-Lago. Everyone gets in at half price—chairs and water not included. You'll love Trump Water. Everybody says it's the best water. Just $5 a bottle (an extra $50 if you want water in it)

But enough about me. Did you know my beautiful penthouse apartment is just a few blocks east of here? There's still a couple of great apartments available in my building, if anyone here wants to buy one, anyone? OK, I see a few hands, I'll get one of  our guys to set up a showing, thanks.

Anyway, back to me. Before I was elected by a massive landslide, the world was a mess, but I fixed it. So if I resign next week, it's only because my work here is done. You are welcome.

Thank you, and don't forget to tip the waiters.

Proof of (Married) Life

The yearly bureaucratic hoops I have to go through  for my Thai visa is an annoyance. Thankfully, the immigration officers are always polite and helpful.

A recent new rule required that Wa and I prove we are still living together. And the way to prove this was to include in my annual visa renewal application, photos of us together inside and outside our home. How this proved anything is beyond my feeble understanding, but there it is, so we are compelled to comply.

At the immigration office, when we were asked for photos, I triumphantly declared to Wa that it was a good thing I'd bought that tripod she had not wanted me to buy. She retorted that a camera perched on a window sill would do just as well and how I keep buying useless stuff, to which I replied: not as useless as her 17 pairs of shoes and raincoats for the dogs and she went on about how my mother never liked her and that I'm too lenient on the kids and I complained that she was letting herself go with all that fried chicken...

The immigration officer interrupted, saying she was convinced we were married and no photos would be necessary.

"Photos? What photos?" we asked in unison, having forgotten the original spark for our argument. We were annoyed at this interruption and continued our argument outside.

So, my advice to genuinely married couples applying to renew their visas and having to prove they are still married and living together: just be yourselves. 


You're welcome.

Memory

We exist independent of others, but we also exist in the memories of others.

When the neurons fire up and thoughts of me appear in the brains of you, I am momentarily alive and present, wherever I may physically be, even it be six feet under.

I would hope those thoughts are warm and cuddly, otherwise my existence in your head would be a futile one. 

In Johny Thunder’s album, “So Alone” there’s a sad song titled, “You Can’t Put Your Arms Around a Memory” — but I think you can.


Lives are brief, but memories are longer. When I’m dead, no “goodbyes” please; just good memories.

Brexit Rom Com


If Britain and Europe were a rom-com movie couple, Europe would be Harry and Britain would be Sally.
They squabble and they fight and they make up and they make out. They need each other, but they can't stand each other. Harry wants to settle down, but Sally wants to play the field. In the end, Sally will become old and decrepit, ridden with STD's, knock on Harry's door and beg to be taken back. Harry will look her up and down, disgusted by what he sees, shut the door and live happily ever after.
Please buy my book: A Hollywood Reporter's Guide to Understanding World Events.