President Donald Trump’s speech to the UN

I'm honored to be speaking at The Uhn. Boy, whatta crowd. Whatta diverse crowd. Suck it, CNN, who says colored folks don't come to my rallies.

I wanna welcome you all to my city, they love me here in New York. You won't hear it from the lame stream media but I won bigly here. They said I couldn't get to 270, but boy did I get to 270, and then some; I'm The President, can you believe it? 

Look, I'll be honest with you. The restaurant here is great, but it's a disgrace compared to the one at Mar-a-Lago; they don't even have chocolate cake. They have some gluten-free vegan shit. Next general assembly is gonna be at Mar-a-Lago. Everyone gets in at half price—chairs and water not included. You'll love Trump Water. Everybody says it's the best water. Just $5 a bottle (an extra $50 if you want water in it)

But enough about me. Did you know my beautiful penthouse apartment is just a few blocks east of here? There's still a couple of great apartments available in my building, if anyone here wants to buy one, anyone? OK, I see a few hands, I'll get one of  our guys to set up a showing, thanks.

Anyway, back to me. Before I was elected by a massive landslide, the world was a mess, but I fixed it. So if I resign next week, it's only because my work here is done. You are welcome.

Thank you, and don't forget to tip the waiters.

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