Happy New Year, parents and their spawn

Dec., 2014

Is there such a thing as "effective parenting"?

Probably not.

Anecdotally, I've seen kids of parents who seem to have done much right, turn out disappointingly while kids of parents who muddled along, turn out brilliantly.

What gives?

We are who we are. Throughout our lives we unfold, or are unfolded to become whatever it is in us to become. Other things being equal (education, social placement, etc), the kind of parenting we receive matters somewhat, but not much.

Some research I've read bears this out.

This notion is hard to accept because we are used to thinking in terms of actions and consequences. But the truth is that the results of any particular type of parenting are less consequential than we'd like to think.

Besides, our children aren't ours to mould. They don't belong to us; they belong to themselves, and soon enough, their selves will claim them back.

So what's a conscientious parent to do?

I think this:

Be gentle, be kind. Be available, as and when needed. Be liberal—free our kids to go walkabout, to unfold as they may (they will, anyway!) Not stressing out over the parenting may be the best thing we can do for them, and for ourselves.

As for our children, they owe us nothing. Though some kindness, some forgiveness, and a hug every now and again would be nice.

So here's to a future of reduced-stress, light-touch parenting—whether you're parenting your kids or dealing with your own tired, grumpy old parents.

Happy new year.

Gaurang Thakkar.

http://backyardbarbeques.blogspot.com/

Have a Kindly New Year

Dec, 2013

Have a Kindly New Year

I lecture my kids a lot. I know because they tell me so. In my defense, my lectures are just variations on three simple themes: 

Be Alert

Be Kind

Be Brave

Previously, I spoke 0n Alertness. This time: Kindness.

When my daughter began dating, I said that to get her boyfriend's true measure, watch how he treats not her, but others. This was also my indirect way of telling her to be kind by default, that kindness isn't something to be switched on and off. Indirect, because better that she figure it out herself, as any direct advice to a teenager gets ignored.

This echos my mother's advice to me. A devout Hindu who gave a respectful nod to Buddha, Yahweh and Allah (after all, to a Hindu, what's an extra three deities), she posited that god lives in each of us and so compassion is the only way to treat all creatures.

Even as an atheist, this made sense to me. After all, we are all made of the same stardust. Each of us, a child of the universe, linked.

I read about Quantum Entanglement. Heady stuff. Take two quantum particles. Even if they are light years apart, the mere act of measuring one, instantaneously changes the state of the other. More bizarre, is that these two particles don't even have to exist at the same time to be entangled. For the purposes of this message, I take from this that we are all kindred, regardless of distance and time.

So let us spread kindness, and trust that all else will be well in our own little worlds.

Have a kindly New Year.

Have a Full New Year

Dec, 2012

While searching for a book review, I came across a Guardian piece entitled 1000 books everyone must read.

Suddenly, I felt I was never going to live long enough. While I was gratified at how many books on the list that I had read, I was dismayed at how many more I hadn't. And dismayed further at how many more that should've been on the list but weren't, that I also hadn't read.

On the list is Lady Chatterley's Lover, which I first read as a precocious teenager. To an aficionado of Penthouse Forums, the book was a huge let-down. But even through the fog of disappointment, I felt the beauty of the writing, and became a lifelong D.H. Lawrence fan.

Lawrence's Sons and Lovers is, sadly, not on the list. The book contains one of my favorite Lawrence lines: "it doesn't matter whether your life is happy or not, as long as it is full". Counter-intuitively, this is an uplifting notion because while one may have little control over happiness, one does have a degree of control over life's fullness.

So without taking away from any of your happiness, I wish you a full life, an eventful New Year and spare time enough to read (and re-read) all the books on that confounding list.

Have an equanimous New Year.

Dec, 2011

I've heard said that life is an illusion. It probably isn't, if only because reality, when it bites, bites like an existent bitch.

Still, fact is,  we live in our minds.  And with the recent mental illness of a distant friend, I've realized how fragile this state of affairs is. We are hopeful for our friend's recovery, but I bring this up to note what a frighteningly thin line it is between daylight and darkness.

Without a healthy mind, the things worth living for - Love, Art, Cuisine - are lost to us, their objective reality notwithstanding.

So let's celebrate that we are - though precariously so - on the right side of that line, let's hold our loved ones close and our demons at bay.

Have an equanimous New Year

Have an Alert New Year

Dec, 2010

I lecture my kids a lot. I know because they tell me so.

In my defense, I'd like to say that the rules I wish them to abide by are simple and that my lectures are just variations on three elementary themes: 

Be Alert

Be Kind

Be Brave

Of the above, alertness has been more on my mind lately. 

Often, when leaving a restaurant or mall with my family, I'd take a deliberately circuitous route back to the car and they would mindlessly follow as I mischievously zigged and zagged my way all over the parking lot. They had not taken note of where we'd parked or that I was leading them in circles. When they discover the ruse, they complain that I'm wasting time and I enjoin them to be more alert.

But alertness isn't just about remembering where we parked or to avoid mindlessly following the guy in front, or even about dangers to watch out for, though all that is important. Alertness is also about noticing the beauty and hilarity that surrounds us, attentiveness to others' needs and feelings as well as being aware of our own motivations and weaknesses and strengths. These are some of the alertness issues I've been working on when lecturing my kids. 

There's a a dog park where my kids and I take our dogs. Once I showed my daughter, Abia how our dog would urinate right over the area where another dog had just done so, and how the other dog, seeing this, would return to urinate over that and how this would go on till one of the dogs ran out of urine. A real pissing contest. Abia volunteers for a dog shelter and had actually seen this without ever really noticing it or the hilarity of it. "That's because you're not alert," I said.

So, be alert— you never know what you might miss.

Have a Happy (and alert) New Year.

Gaurang Thakkar

A Friendly Message

Dec, 2008

Whatever our troubles, we should be glad to be alive. Even in sorrow, we should rejoice in our capacity to feel that sorrow, for it implies an equal capacity to feel joy. 

In the vastness of a universe 14 billion years old and spanning tens of billions of light years in all directions, 96% of which consists of undefined dark matter and dark energy, where only 4% consists of matter as we know it, how fortunate that we are part of that minuscule 4%. And even within that tiny bit, an infinitesimally minuscule part consists of living, thinking, feeling beings like us. To date, as far as we know, we are the only ones here. In the great scheme of things, you and I have won one hell of a lottery.

Still, there are times when solace seems out of reach. I understand that. 

Perhaps the solace we seek is right under our noses as we engage in our daily deeds. I often find inspiration from this poem by DH Lawrence that I first encountered in my high school library. It has been my calm, dependable companion through thick and thin:

We are Transmitters 

As we live, we are transmitters of life. 

And when we fail to transmit life, life fails to flow through us. 

That is part of the mystery of sex, it is a flow onwards. 

Sexless people transmit nothing. 

And if, as we work, we can transmit life into our work, 

life, still more life, rushes into us to compensate, to be ready 

and we ripple with life through the days. 

Even if it is a woman making an apple dumpling, or a man a stool, 

if life goes into the pudding, good is the pudding 

good is the stool, 

content is the woman, with fresh life rippling in to her, 

content is the man. 

Give, and it shall be given unto you 

is still the truth about life. 

But giving life is not so easy. 

It doesn't mean handing it out to some mean fool, or letting the living dead eat you up. 

It means kindling the life-quality where it was not, 

even if it's only in the whiteness of a washed pocket-handkerchief.

DH Lawrence

"as we work, we can transmit life into our work" - I encountered this notion a few years later in Salman Rushdi's "Midnight's Children" where he describes how a woman cooks her frustrations into her food and how the resulting meals are strangely unsatisfying for the diners. The concept was brought home to me soon afterwards when my father died and my mother's cooking, always excellent, suddenly tasted bland even though she used the same ingredients and same methods, the same stove and pots and pans.

Some may seek solace in religion, others in a non-religious spirituality of sorts. However if you find yourself praying just out of reflex and without thinking or feeling the content, then it is time to re-think your spirituality.

If there is a God, and he speaks to us, then surely an omnipotent God would speak directly to each of us and not through a parchment, priest, guru or mullah.

Or consider for a moment that, perhaps, to some people, he speaks through DH Lawrence. Or not. Who knows?

I guess what I’m saying is:

May you have comfort and cheer—however it is that you find it.

A Happy New Year to all my dear friends. 

Magazine Ads From a Hundred Years Ago

Aug, 2008

I don’t know...I think this “sweeping with electricity” thing will never catch on. 

Olympic Fakery

Painted Walls Hide The Unseemlier Parts Of Beijing.

Jun, 2008

There’s been a lot of news in the past two days about the various enhancements the Beijing Olympic organizers have employed to spruce up the games. For example, during the opening ceremonies they put on a cuter girl to lip-sync a song recorded by the plainer-looking original singer. The organizers also added digital effects to the supposedly live television broadcast of the fireworks. 

And here’s the latest breaking news:

Olympic Medals Revealed to be Fakes

Medal winners in the 2008 Beijing Olympics were disappointed to learn that the medals were in fact chocolate coins, a popular confectionary in China.

"We were running over budget," said the organizers, "and we thought this was a great opportunity to inject more Chinese culture into the Games as chocolate coins are a traditional lucky giveaway during our Lunar New Year celebrations."

Medal winners in gymnastics, who had hitherto been watching their weights, upon hearing this news, promptly unwrapped and ate their medals.

"Hey, I was hungry," said one gold medalist.

Remember, you read it here first.

Safe Texting

Mar, 2008

I read that texting has been leading to many accidents, like people walking into lamp posts and tripping over curbs. So, as a public service, I decided to publish the following Q&A:

Q: 

What is texting and how can I safely 'do it?'

A:

Texting is an activity to help you release your 'urge to converse', as they say. Follow these rules to enjoy safe texting:

First, make sure you are alone, as it might be considered rude to 'do it' while in company.

Next, make sure your hands are clean and your instrument is properly sleeved—you don't want things to get sticky.

Now think of something pleasant, because, as I always say, if you can't text something nice, don't text at all.

You don't have to worry about having anything witty to say, and you certainly don't have to worry about bad breath or smelly armpits, because, let's face, you're just texting.

Remember: keep it short, keep it simple, and wash your hands afterwards.

Happy texting!

Maan Sze Yue Yee

Feb, 2008

Dear Friends,

While there are Chinese families here in Chiangmai, I don't know any. There are Chinese temples and a Chinese Christian Church. But not much sign of Chinese New Year.

There are some "Happy New Year" signs here and there, but those have been up continuously since before I got here some years ago. And Why not?—a message like that never gets old. Still, it's not like Hong Kong. I miss the festiveness, the genuine feeling of optimism in the air and the numerous, trite but heartfelt good wishes bandied about.

So I'll dress up Abia and Gigi in traditional cheungsams (or close facsimiles of same) and we'll wish each other "Kung Hei Fat Choy" and eat some mooncakes (they sell those year-round here). It's a mashup, I know, but our whole family's a mashup anyway.

I'll wistfully think of all of you and wish you all a trite, but heartfelt "Man Szee Yue Yee"